3 Reasons I Will Never Be My Daughter’s Best Friend

All of my social media platforms are filled right now with posts about children heading back to school. Many parents are sending their almost grown-up kids to college for the first time. It is a time filled with anxiety for both the child and the parent as the child takes their first steps towards independence and adulthood.

But amongst all of these FaceBook notices, I see another trend emerging. Mothers are proudly proclaiming that their daughters are their best friends and that this split will be exceptionally hard on both of them.

Honestly, I totally don’t understand this. I have never had a desire to be the cool, hip mom. And though I am a very open-minded and approachable parent, my children are not and never will be my best friends. To me, it is just the inherit nature of being a parent.

On all social media platforms,mothers are proudly exclaiming that they are their daughter's best friend.I don't believe in this trend & here's 3 reasons why.

3 Reasons I Will Never Be My Daughter’s Best Friend

 

1. Best Friends Are Equals

As long as my daughter is reliant on me for her emotional growth, career guidance and financial support, there will be an inequality in our relationship. I am, as I should be, on a higher rung on the proverbial ladder.

Yes, best friends can provide those things too but I really don’t think any of them will step up to pay for a wedding or help with the down payment on a house.

 

2. Best Friends Tell Each Other Everything

It is very important to always be available, open and non-judgemental as a parent. It encourages your daughter to come to you to discuss issues and problems with you. Your job as a parent is to affirm your daughter’s personal value and worth and meet all of her emotional needs.

This kind of support should always be one-sided and a parent should never use their daughter as their own personal sounding board or built-in therapist. Daughters should not feel responsible for their mother’s emotional well-being. Children should not be burdened with their parents’ problems.

If you are discussing things of a personal nature with your teenage or young adult daughter, you are being overly dependent on her for your own emotional needs. Find your own friends.

 

3. Best Friends Don’t Make Rules And Set Boundaries

Teenagers test the rules and young adults need to stretch their wings and try to fly on their own under your watchful eye. Your responsibility to your daughter is completely different from that as a best friend. You need to set boundaries and enforce rules. That doesn’t sound like a best friend to me and once you cross that line with your daughter, it will be very difficult to reign her back in. How confusing is it for her if you oscillate between best friend and mom?

 

I have many friends and they have carried me through many dark times. I want my daughter to find those kinds of relationships outside of me. I want her to be able to build close relationships with girlfriends and her future partner. I want to be her mom, not her friend.

 

I anticipate that once my daughter is out in the world, making her own way and has children of her own, our relationship will change. Maybe I shouldn’t say never. Maybe we can be best friends then.

What is your relationship with your adult daughter?


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71 thoughts on “3 Reasons I Will Never Be My Daughter’s Best Friend

  1. I understand that everyone has a different parenting style (that I totally respect!) but I thought I would offer my point of view.
    My mom is, and always has been, my very best friend.
    It does hurt my heart a little when parents won’t even consider themselves a friend to their child. (Not saying every parent must be their kids best friend, I see that what I have with my mother is quite unique and to me, somewhat sacred) but how could you expect your kid to tell you anything of real importance if you make it clear that you are not their friend, but more “authoritative”?
    My mother set strict boundaries and rules that I respected. I also had boundaries she respected. I learned mutual respect from her. She treated me like an individual, not an extension of herself, or as some lesser being. It was clear she didn’t see herself above me, but rather that she had a special duty to protect and care for me in ways I didn’t have towards her. Whenever something great happened, she was the first person I wanted to tell. When I was hurt and needed to feel loved, she was the first person I ran to. She taught me strength and helped me though everything. Our relationship changed as I grew older, in that I was given more and more freedom. As she put it, she “trusted me to take care of her most important person-me”. The older I have gotten the more I have realized I am less and less in need of someone to take care of me, and more and more in need of a genuine friend…someone with more life experience and insight who wants to help me make the best choices but can also give me freedom to do what makes me happy.
    Our friendship has impacted all my other friendships. I was never belittled by my mother, so I assumed that was how all friends should be. I never hesitated to leave girls who treated me poorly, my mom showed me how true friends treat each other.
    I have also always seen friends as people who have your best interests at heart. When a lot of people hear someone say a parent is their best friend, they get the idea that the parent is letting them run around drinking or doing drugs so their kids think they are cool. I don’t think a real friend would ever be okay with me doing something harmful to myself, and obviously my mom wasn’t either.
    Sorry this was so long. In short, I treasure my friendship with my mother. It has blessed my life and made me a better person in so many ways. We have had mother-daughter disagreements, and she is first and foremost my mother, but she is my best friend. This hasn’t dimisnished her ability to take care of me or made our bond any less special; if anything it has heightened it.
    Just thought I would offer a different perspective 🙂

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  2. I hope I am not overstepping my boundaries here being the only father to post a comment on this. However I do agree that your daughter should never be your bff as it would seem that you are focusing more on your own emotional needs at that point. As I agree with a lot of this post naturally I do have a few disagreements but one I would like to point out. Even though a best freind is supposed to be very supportive I strongly believe that they should have rules and boundaries in there friendships. Otherwise they they are willing to follow their freinds even if it compromises their moral integrity. Also I believe it is our responsibility as parents to help guide them in this as you said you are higher on th ladder and should share this knowledge with your child.

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  3. Do you ever have one of those moments, as you are watching a younger mom in an earlier season of motherhood, and think “bless her heart, she just doesn’t understand.” ? I am having one of those moments now. I am sure this post comes from a place of your experiences so far as a mother but I am confident that as your daughter gains independence you will gain prospective. I truly wish you all the best.

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    1. I’m in my fifties and my kids are in their twenties. I truly believe it is an inherited style of parenting from my mom. She was never my friend and she raised 4 very successful children. I am the first one all of my children come to for problems, even my step-children. It works for me but I understand it isn’t for everyone.

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  4. Elena, your article definitely has some valid points. I agree that a mother needs to be a disciplinarian, role model, support system, etc. while raising her children in order to establish clear cut boundaries. However, I completely disagree with the notion that you can never be friends with your children once they become productive, self-supporting adults. As previously mentioned, I’m a 33 year old, married, mother of two with three college degrees that hasn’t been supported by her mother in over a decade so our relationship has changed drastically over the years. The more that I accomplished in life, the closer we became. As a result, she perceives me as her equal…and that’s a positive thing! I love having her respect and admiration so from a child’s perspective perhaps you should reconsider becoming friends with them. Trust me! It will enrich both of your lives in the long haul.

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  5. My mom always said this to me. “I’m your mother, not your friend.”

    Now I am an adult woman with three beautiful children of my own and my mom and I aren’t friends.

    That’s why I will always make myself available as a friend to my children. I’m a mom foremost, but I’ll never reject their friendship.

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  6. I am 25 years old, married, have 2 kids, own a home and have a wonderful husband who financially supports us. My mother is my best friend and I hers. When I lived at home she was not my best friedn….not even close! She was strict, she set boundaries, she supported me, etc. Guess what? She still supports me in everything I do (not financially) I still respect boundaries, and she is still an excellent mother! When you grow up and have a family of your own you don’t need the same kind of mother you needed when you were dependent on her. Things are 100% different when you are both adults that are both supporting yourselfs. She can still give advice, help out, give support, etc and you can also give that to her!

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  7. Thank you for writing this. I can’t agree with you more. I haven’t got children, but my mum treated me a lot like her friend rather than daughter. My emotional well-being was marked by it a lot. I had to listen about problems which I wasn’t ready to hear when I was a teenager. And even now after more than 10 years our relationship definitely suffers because of it.

    Parents should never breach the boundaries and look for filling their inadequacies by their children.

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  8. I have 4 daughters, my relationship is different with each of them (as they are each unique individuals). My daughters are 27, 24, 23, and 17. The dynamics of our relationship are special. I’ve always been mom, I set boundaries, make the rules and enforce them and definitely discipline when necessary. However, I’ve given my daughters “neutral ground” in situations where they can talk to me, yes about anything. I believe no matter what my daughters go through, or what difficulty they may face, I should be the one to guide them. For example, I was 16 when I had my first daughter, and it was a life I did not want my girls to go through. It was difficult in many ways. Because of this I’ve been very “understanding” when my daughters were teenagers, and their relationships with boys became strained. They came to me when they felt they’re relationship was “there”, 1. So I could try to convince them to wait (it was a long shot, but paid off) 2. Once I new it was a possibility I needed to get them protection. Not because I condoned it, but because I loved them and wanted to keep them safe from teen pregnancy and STD’s. They were not going to get proper education or proper advice from another teen. Regardless of how anyone feels, or their personal bias, this worked for us. My daughters know they can talk to me about anything, and they do. Not because I “want” to know things but because they feel if anyone has their best interest in mind, it’s me. Their confidence in me goes further than just this. They seek my adbice on a range of topics. They know with out a doubt that my adbice and guidance is from a place much wiser than their friends. My older 3 are all married with children of their own, my youngest is a senior in high school. The one thing each of my daughters have told me throughout their lives is that all of their friends were jealous of the relationship we had. Not because I was a “cool mom”, trust me I wasn’t. My girls had more rules and restrictions than all their friends. What they were jealous of, was the ability to be able to talk to their mothers, without judgment, regarding things that were concerning to them. I do not burden my children with my problems, even though they can tell when something is bothering me. They beg me to trust them…lol…their remarks are “Mom, I’m your daughter, you know you can trust me. Please let me help you.” It’s precious and tugs at my heart, but the burden is not theirs. My daughters all have said at some point that I was their best friend. Not in the same sense that their BFF is, but a more special way.

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  9. Could not agree with this post more. Once The Child made the mistake of ‘borrowing’ some clothes without asking. When I called her on it (she had made the mistake of posting a pic of herself on FB wearing an outfit of mine — busted!), she said ‘Mom, you should be flattered. My friends and I borrow each other’s clothes all the time!’ I replied ‘But I am not your friend. I am your mother.’

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  10. When I was all grown up—I mean decades into it my mom would say: you could tell me everything couldn’t you? And I would reassure that I had. But of course I hadn’t. Though I knew she had figured out that I had been pregnant and had an abortion as I was living with an abusive man. I was glad she had but neither of us ever mentioned it. When said boyfriend began getting truly crazy she and her friend went off to the library and researched. We had never heard of obsession in relation to people like us. But she said “he’s obsessed with you,” and that explained so much.
    When I was growing up she introduced me to so much—especially literature, how to look great, pretend to be listening to a man (learned that one from example) and how to be a great friend. I always knew and respected that she was my mother, older and wiser. I know how lucky I was.
    I think mother’s who respect their daughter’s, give them space, let them grow up but let them know they’re always there for them will have an adult relationship with their daughters many dream about or think their daughter’s are their best friend. No 18 year old really wants to be best friends with her mother. Women don’t think properly about that. Does a daughter want to discuss her sex life with her mother? How trashed she was the night before? And a mother has to be crazy to want to know all that. Daughter’s test by saying things that are really inappropriate. it’s up to the older hopefully wiser mother to not answer or otherwise let the daughter know she doesn’t want to know.
    I realized I was an adult when I realized how truly immature most adults are.

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  11. I completely disagree, and I think it takes a very special relationship to have both a mother/daughter and a best friend relationship together. I don’t think its possible to be best friends while the child is growing up, but once both parties are adults I think it is very possible. I wouldn’t trade my mum/best friend for the world, and I cannot wait to have her support as both my mum and my best friend when I become a mum myself (and I hope that I will have the same relationship with my future daughter).

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  12. I consider my mom my best friend..but I have a different view on friendship than this.. I dont tell my friends everything and expect them to tell me everything either. I think some things are private :/ .. But since my mom and I are very alike, have the same tastes and general way of being, we always got along with eachother and enjoyed eachothers company. I have many other friends and even those I see as irreplaceable friends, and although Ill go out and have fun with my other friends once in awhile, when it comes to talking about anything or going to a museum or concert or movie or travelling even, my mom is the best company.

    I realise that maybe it might have been different had I grown up in a different place, cause I moved to where I am when I was small..and it was a very racist place and I never felt at home..so ofcourse I relied on the kindness of my family more than I see my friends do. But then again, if best friends are people who enjoy eachothers company and help eachother with life, thennnn my mom is mine… If best friends are just there for stupid fun, or chatting once in awhile, I have those too.

    I suppose it depends on your life and views.. My mom will be my mom, with restrisctions and boundaries, and even as an adult she’ll still get mad if I do something wrong.. But I appreaciate it cause I like to keep learning, but to me, she’ll still be my bestie, cause besides all that, she’s still the most interesting person I met. No, we dont talk about sex and dont go to get drunk and do drugs together..but i dont do that with anyone else either :/ (my idea of fun is a good book and occasionally go dancing).

    So yah, maybe Im the only one like this, but if not, I think when we say our moms are our best friends, we dont mean that we talk about everything and have her bring the beer at the party if we are underage… Or that they are our only friend. We mean that although we have other people in our lives, they are our most special friend…ofcourse we all love our mothers, but who really spends time with them as a person and enjoys their company trully? Well, some of us do.

    But again, in my case its cause my mom is just an older version of me, if not, we’d just love eachother and not hang out I suppose.

    Anyway, sorry for this being so long, but i wanted to defend my kind lol. But lets all just get along ^^! Some of us have friends we consider family and some of us have family we consider friends, as long as we’re connecting with love to another human being, we’re doing ok!

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    1. Thank you so much for the guest post! lol I totally understand what you are saying and I am so glad that you and your mom have such a great relationship. You are both very lucky!

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  13. Hello, I have only read about half of the comments (sorry, and this is gonna be a long one (even more sorry).
    Speaking as a 23 year old daughter and as mother to a 2 month old daughter. mam is absolutely amazing, I couldn’t ask for anyone better.
    I have always looked up to her but never treated her as a best friend (except one time) but she has never with me. When I was a young child she always did the whole mam thing -telling off when I did wrong, praising me when I did right, she never once burden me with her problems or life situation’s (she has a best friend for that which to this day I stil call Auntie). When I was a teenager and was going through some very tough times I turned to my best friend not my mam, as I’m sure she has done with me my whole life. As I have got older and made dissions for my own life and future, we have become closer and opened up more to each other but there are still somethings I don’t talk to her about and know that’s the same for her too. In my whole life I have only ever seen my mam cry twice (one of those times was when my grandad recently died, still she didn’t turn to me for her comfort but I turned to her for mine). The other time I was younger and caught her by mistake, I asked what was wrong and she replied with only a short answer – most likely not wanting to open up to me as I am her child. I lost touch with the outside world for a while (even with my best friend) as when I gave birth to my 1 year old son I had lost all confidence in myself, in what I was doing, how I looked, everything – which trust me is hard to come over while still fightig the battle of anorexia and bullima. So the only person I saw (other than my son and my partener) was my mam and dad. Through that time she felt like my only friend, my best friend. She still didn’t break the I’m your mam to become the I’m your best friend, she was there for me as a mam. As time has gone on a little more she has opened up to me but nothing that I couldn’t handle and I’m glad she has, I’m glad she feels that she can come and open up to me to some extent, everything she has opened up to me about I feel like I needed to know anyways. In the last week I have actually gone outside with a person other than my partener or mam, I went out with my best friend. I know this might sound strange but my God I can’t describe how that made me feel! If my mam hadn’t helped me though the past year I dont know were I would be right now, if she had treated me as her best friend throughout it I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be where I am today. When I did go outside with my best friend my mam said to me the next day “I’m so glad you’re around someone your own age.” I know she didn’t mean this in any other way other than she is proud of me as a mam is proud of anything their child does.
    I also realised that by keeping myself locked away from the world I kept my son locked away from people too, the other day when I went out (my best friend has a little boy just older than mine) and !!!!! his face when he had someone to play with, run around with, he was confussed at first didn’t know what was happening, but when I saw him smiling and playing my heart just burst.
    Anyways what I’m trying to say here is I know my mam will always be there for me as a friend, a best friend when I need one (a one sided one, but never the less), but firstly – always firstly my mam and crossing that line I’m pretty sure she wil never do.
    I just hope that I can do the same for both my children, I know were the line should lie between a mother and her child thanks to her, they can look upon me as their friend when they need one, but I will always be their mam for that is what I am and I know that – they are my children they holf a bigger place more important place in my life, just as my does.
    (Think that’s all I wanted to say, anyone who reads that definitely got their penny’s worth, hope it all made sense too).

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    1. That was so beautiful and I am so honoured that you shared your story on my blog. I am sure many will be able to see themselves in your story and you have given credence to my post. Your mam sounds wonderful and you are so lucky to have had such a great teacher. Now you can go forth and spill those lessons to your children. They are very lucky to have you too mam.

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  14. I basically agree. My daughter is 23 and in grad school and we share a little more back and forth than when she was younger but I am careful about what I share. I tell her she will have many friends, just one mom. My mother relies on me for emotional support to some degree, though I am not sure she realizes it and I have come to see I don’t want to do this to my daughter. The trick now is to be available and encouraging even as I watch her make mistakes. But heck, I make mistakes too… so there is always that. 🙂

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    1. We all make mistakes but sharing them invites or implies to others that you are looking to them for a solution. That is why I don’t believe in sharing certain problems with children and relying on my friends for that. My friends are free therapy. lol

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  15. I’m in total agreement here. I am not my daughter’s best friend and nor would I want to be. She has her own friends and I have mine thank goodness. We are close, but not besties which is exactly how we like it :-).

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  16. I got here from pinterest 🙂

    I am so glad to find someone sensible. My mother used to brag about how we were best friends… But we weren’t. She used to unload on me all her worries, frustrations, complaints, etc. If she had intimate moments with my father, she’d tell me. If she fought with him, she’d tell me and try to turn me against him, because we were friends you see. She was intrusive and mocked my insecurities, always followed by an hour speech of why her childhood had been harder than mine (and of course she unloaded more frustrations with this). She’d get mad because I was quiet by nature, not understanding that even if I was more talkative I’d never have told her anything private. She loved to wear my clothes when I was about 17-18 and would be delighted when someone told her we looked like sisters, and constantly remind me how attractive she was.

    Anyway, there’s more, but that should give you a picture.

    I wish she had been there for me with an open mind, without judging and without pouring all her negative stuff on me. She still does it, but because now I’m an adult and live out, it doesn’t happen as often. But yes, you’re right. It is damaging and just not OK! I have a lot of self esteem problems and feelings of guilt, and it seems to get worse year by year. I am not okay and it all comes down to the lack of a real mother while entering the adult world. You can be open minded, loving, and even strict without hurting your children. And for God’s sake… Don’t tell your child when you’ve had intimate contact with your partner…

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    1. This is great and so reaffirming my point of view.. Thank you very much for sharing such personal details with us. Hopefully, one mom will read this and not try to go down the friends road.

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  17. This is definitely a tricky issue, but isn’t everything? I don’t have children yet, so I’m speaking only as a daughter. On the one hand, I do agree that my relationship with my mom is very different than that of any of my other close friends, and yet, when you talk about “burdening them with adult problems” as you have said in a comment, we have to be careful. On the one hand, yes, you probably shouldn’t tell your daughter everything, on the other, I love that my mom shares things with me that let me know I’m not alone. I know she’s human and she has her strength and weaknesses.I rather know what’s going on in her life, than be shut out and treated like a child. I am an adult now, but I do need her guidance, how will I be guided if I don’t see her example? I love my mom’s strength, and know that one day, I want to be like her. Who knows? Maybe I’m just saying things you already know. I just wanted to add my voice to the discussion.

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    1. I totally understand what you are saying but I believe the situation changes once you are an independent adult. I have seen far too many friends talk to their late teen daughters about their struggles with divorce with the daughter’s father, dating, etc. Just not a good situation at all.

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  18. My first response when I read your title was, “Ouch, my daughter and I are friends, very close friends, actually.” But definitely NOT in the way you describe here. I am her mother first, always have been. I really, REALLY like Leanne’s comment “the mother/daughter relationship is more special than “bff’s.” We are not bff’s; we are much closer, stronger, and special than that. There are roles only a parent can fulfill, and as you pointed out, there are roles a parent should not fill. Totally agree with you on that! 🙂

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  19. Hi Elena! I don’t have children myself so I can’t speak from that perspective but your points ALL make a lot of sense. It reminds me of another post I read in the last couple of days saying in so many ways many parents are “afraid” of their kids–by afraid meaning they can’t stand up to them about anything important because they are afraid they’ll lose that friendship. Your points all add up to that interesting problem. ~Kathy

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    1. Whoa! Honestly Kathy, being afraid of my children has never crossed my mind. The boys are in their twenties and I know for a fact that some of their friends say I’m scary. I’m ok with that and they still choose to hang out at our house over someone else’s.

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  20. I’m glad you said this, Elena. I find it odd when people declare this with such pride! Since I don’t have children, it’s hard for me to take objection to this. However, having had my Mom unburden to me when I was a child, I know it’s just not healthy!

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    1. That’s awful Corinne. Unfortunately, too many of my friends fell into the trap of best friend with their girls when they were going thru messy break-ups. Did not turn out well and wasn’t fair on the daughters to be burdened with adult problems.

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  21. Hi Elena – great Linky party as usual – thanks for having me! Where’s the bar? I’ll have a pineapple juice please. I love this post and had already commented further up. Nice to see you.

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  22. I don’t have any girls, just one boy, but do these parents ever stop to think that their child is going half way across the country to get away from them? I never wanted to be my mother’s best friend and she never tried to be mine. She has plenty of her own friends and the only thing she ever tried to do is make sure that I had plenty of my own, the kind of friendships that will last a lifetime. And because I had a great example from my mother….I do.

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  23. I don’t have a daughter, but I certainly agree as a daughter that I couldn’t be my mother’s best friend. I had a bond with her that was strong and could never be broken, but I had to look elsewhere for my bestie.

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  24. I think that if we do our jobs as parents well, when our children are fully grown and are successfully managing their own lives, there is the opportunity for much more of a friendship like relationship to develop, but certainly not before then and certainly not of the kind you’ve described where there’s a role reversal taking place with the parent looking to the child for emotional support. To me that seems pretty unhealthy emotionally for all concerned, and especially unfair to the child.

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  25. Yup. I’ve never tried to be my daughters’ friend. Like you said, maybe eventually, but not yet. They are currently 19 and 22. My husband is my best friend, and always will be. But I can’t imagine the girls even being my “next-best” friends as long as they live at home (which they do).

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  26. Great post Elena. I have always said that kids want friends but NEED parents.

    PS there is nothing more disgusting than watching people get drunk and party with their children. I don’t party with my kids (both adults) and they don’t see me get drunk and stupid. They count on me to be there for them, and I have to “seem” sober to do that.

    I want my kids to say “How do I fill out this loan application”, not “How do I roll the best joint”

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  27. Well put, Elena. I don’t have kids, but I did grow up with a mom who tried her damnedest to be my best friend — and, yes, failed spectacularly (and predictably), but in the process she also destroyed whatever chance we had at a healthy mother-daughter relationship. Sad fact, but true.
    Guilie

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  28. Sage advice. I love my daughter, but we are not destined to be friends. I think that part comes much later, when the daughter is an adult. And yet? As much as I consider my Mom my friend…she is my Mom. It’s a different kind of friendship.

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  29. Very well said. Too much of that nonsense going on. Makes me cross when I encounter it because children need parents to be parents. Have to say this inspired me to be brave and do a post about the mother son relationship that I have been stewing on all week. Thanks!

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      1. Hi Elena – my mother son post is up but I think you have already seen it. Thanks for giving me the nudge – I find writing about personal stuff quite scary and usually stay away from it. Will be doing more now though. Thanks for the inspiration I get from you and lots of others. x

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  30. I love my daughter (she’s 26) and we have a great time when we catch up, but I think the mother/daughter relationship is more special than “bff’s”. The connection is deeper and there’s no competition. She knows I’m her mum and I’m there for her and we have renegotiated the boundaries over time to something quite special – but certainly not as best friends or buddies. Her world needs to be bigger than just me and at the same time she can’t fill the role that my friends play in my life. Great post Elena 🙂

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    1. Exactly! I love that! “Her world needs to be bigger.” I have seen too many times a mother unknowingly hold a daughter back from finding a partner and being able to form a close bond with that partner.

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